The Wine Idiot Reviews: Columbia Crest Chardonnay, 2013 ($6.29)

ALERT! ALERT! NON-TRADER JOE'S WINE AHEAD!

That's right, y'all. We've come to the time in our program where I review a wine I did NOT purchase at Trader Joe's. In the future, that may be because someone gifted me with a special bottle (HINT, HINT). That, however, is not the case today.

No, today I'm going to share with you the biggest wine-buying hack I've got.

Here in Los Angeles, we have Ralph's, but I bet this is par for the course for grocery stores around the country. Head to the very back of your grocery store.

No. Further back. You're looking for something I call the "cart of shame." It's a rolling cart with a few shelves--in larger stores, it may even be an entire wall of wire shelving back by the bathrooms.

It is, my friends, the clearance rack.

Yep. Your grocery store has a clearance rack. And if you've ever had a grocery budget (MOM STOP LAUGHING SOMETIMES I TRY TO ADHERE TO A BUDGET), you know where this rack is.

While you probably don't want to buy a "manager's special" box of crackers off this rack, wine doesn't go stale. At least, not in time for it to be sold on the clearance rack at a grocery store.

What I think happens is people buy 6 bottles of a wine they want to get the discount. Then they don't like the wine, and they return five bottles. Ralph's can't re-shelve returned food/drink, so....it ends up on the clearance rack!

That's right--perfectly drinkable wine for half the price.

The only downside is you're limited to whatever is there. Upside? You're forced to live on the edge and try whatever is there.

Like this Columbia Crest Chardonnay, a bottle they have in most stores but that I've never purchased because I feel like I should really get something cheaper at Trader Joe's.

So how is it? Meh. Glad I didn't pay full-price (looks like it retails for $11-12).

My first note was "super chardonnay-y." Seriously I don't know why I keep reviewing chardonnay, I don't really like it. But here's the weird thing. The finish...the aftertaste that lingers on your tongue after you've swallowed? SWEAR TO GOD THIS TASTES LIKE POPCORN-FLAVORED JELLYBELLIES. It's like Columbia Crest was going for a "buttery finish" so they injected this wine with JellyBelly popcorn-flavor. I don't know. It's so freaking weird. For me? Not in a good way. I hate popcorn-flavored JellyBellies. But if you love them? Maybe this wine will be your jam!

What the bottle says: "At Columbia Crest, we combine artisan winemaking with the best vineyards in the Columbia Valley to craft world-class wines of outstanding quality and value. The rich, buttery characteristics in this Chardonnay are complemented by soft oak notes and flavors of tropical fruit."

What the Wine Idiot says: HUH? They didn't mention JellyBellies once.

ABV: 13.5%

Who's responsible for this? "Vinted & Bottled by Columbia Crest Winery, Paterson, WA"

Do I need a corkscrew? Yas.

What do smarter people say about it? Uh...Great Northwest Wine raves: "Juan Muñoz Oca’s team in Washington state’s Horse Heaven Hills continues to follow its game plan with this style of Chardonnay, which offers astounding layers – regardless of the price point. Nearly 80 percent of these huge lots spent nine months in a variety of barrels, with weekly hand-stirring of the lees. The nose is quite giving with vanilla, apple blossom and baking spices while picking up dusty pear and Key Lime pie with Graham cracker crust aromas. Its enjoyable mouth feel starts with an entry of lemon custard, followed by creamy butterscotch and pear. Elegant citrusy acidity and a finish of peach pie makes it versatile, both as a cocktail wine or alongside chicken pot pie, crab cakes and pork tenderloin."

And I just have to interject here...this is totally why I started this blog. KEY LIME PIE WITH GRAHAM CRACKER CRUST AROMAS!?!?!?! JUST STOP. Ugh. Look maybe I'm wrong and this wine is delicious BUT STOP IT YOU DO NOT SMELL GRAHAM CRACKERS. Unless maybe you're having a stroke.

Should I bring it to a friend's house? If that friend can appreciate that you got one hell of a deal, sure. Otherwise...no?