The Wine Idiot Reviews: Cherry Blossom Pinot Noir, 2013 ($3.99)

UGH YOU GUYS. I was SO excited about this wine. It's a pinot noir, it has a beautiful label, and it's LESS THAN FIVE DOLLARS. No joke, this entire bottle of pinot noir is cheaper than the caramel macchiato I got at Starbucks the other day!!! And there's not a pinot noir version of Two Buck Chuck, so I was really hoping this was gonna fill that void in my life.

Mmmmmmm. Not really. :(

So, I had to take pictures of it before the sun went down and it got super dark in my apartment, but I was still working on a cup of coffee so I didn't drink the glass I poured right away. It's a screw-top bottle, so I was able to cap it back up, but I left the glass out to breathe.

After about an hour I decided to try it. My notes are, word-for-word: "Jammy, soft, flat. Nothing exciting! Boxed shiraz had more going on."

If you know me, you know almost nothing pains me more than throwing away a glass of wine. However, this was SO BAD that I looked at the glass, looked at the rest of the bottle, whispered to myself, "only four dollars," and dumped the glass down the drain.

I uncapped the bottle and poured another glass, sipping this one right away. I was instantly relieved. It finally tasted like pinot noir!! There was a delicate hint of pepper, just a tiny bit of dimension that made it worth the calories.

I broke out some cheese and crackers. It was good with that--still, not great, but a drinkable cheap wine. If you just wanna sip on something with your dinner while you watch Antiques Roadshow STOP JUDGING ME, this will do, I guess. But honestly, you could spend $3 more and get that Valréas.

I'm sad. California pinot noir with a beautiful label and only $4. WHY CAN'T YOU BE DELICIOUS???

What the bottle says: Enjoy.

What the Wine Idiot says: I didn't, really.

ABV: 13.5%

Who's responsible for this? "Cellared and bottled by Cherry Blossom Cellars, Napa, CA"

Do I need a corkscrew? Nope. Just screw it!

What do smarter people say about it? Nothing. Literally no one has said a thing about this wine anywhere. WHERE THE HELL DID TRADER JOE FIND THIS?! I went to the website advertised on the back of the bottle (cherryblossomcellars.com) which ACTUALLY redirects to BroncoWine.com. Apparently...this company was founded by the Franzia brothers. As in...the original boxed wine. Shake my head. I don't know what to tell you.

Should I bring it to a friend's house? Please don't.